How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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