o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
