What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
