I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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