that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dick very happy bro
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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