My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
