he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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