Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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