ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
