Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
