plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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