my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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