Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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