What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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