Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
