You just made me feel so damn special
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
