I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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