It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
