Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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