dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
