I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So many bounce houses so little time
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Two words: blizzard sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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