I am in a vortex of obligation.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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