The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
