Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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