Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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