Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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