but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
