not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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