The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize