I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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