u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
