How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
