Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
