is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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