I have demons in me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
