I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
