Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
