Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
