She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
