you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
