In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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