Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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