Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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