i was born a porn star she said
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
