I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm too high and old for this...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
