I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
