I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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