I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he had hair everywhere except his balls
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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