got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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