drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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