You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
