woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
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Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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